This blog is a bit of therapy for me. It is serving as a bit of an escape for me. See – the past 2 years have been a bit of a blur to me. I had to do do a lot of “packing” over the past 2 years both literally and figuratively. It is now time to start unpacking some of my emotions. In order to help me do that, I started writing this blog. I don’t think anyone is actually reading it – and that is OK. I am just getting things off my mind.
If you haven’t figured it out – my uncle died. He was far too young. Parkinson’s Disease is no joke. As a caregiver, I didn’t have time to have a breakdown. I simply moved from one crisis to back to work to back to being a mom to back to the next crisis. I kept promising myself that once the next milestone happened, I would have my breakdown. Once I get my uncle out of jail…once I get him into an apartment…once I get him moved to assisted living…once we get out of the hospital…once I move him into skilled care…once the funeral is over. It all happened at the blink of an eye. And yet, I never was able to stop and acknowledge how this whole thing was affecting ME. I never let myself have an emotional release. Actually, I am not sure I have allowed myself to have an emotional release. But I can tell you this – I miss him something terribly. I miss him most when I am driving. See, he was my driving companion. We would talk on the phone nonstop whenever I was driving back home late in the evenings. The hour timezone difference made it so it wasn’t quite so late for him and he made it so I would stay awake. And right now I am missing that something terrible. Yes, I am thankful for the fact that he isn’t suffering anymore, but now, I am alone. I am alone with a mountain of paperwork. I am alone with memories.
So, bear with me as I continue to blog how I got to this point.
There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.
Aeschylus
Caregiver Musings 