I always have been one to figure out logistics. I just have a knack for it. Perhaps it is my love for travel. Perhaps it is my mathematical brain. But I typically can figure out how to make something happen in a relatively short period of time. I had to figure out how to get my uncle to be closer to me. Step one: Obtain Full Guardianship. I have a court date at the end of the month. At the same time, I need to clean out my uncle’s apartment, and fly him out east. Challenge Accepted. I am going to fly out on a Wednesday evening. I am telling my uncle I am there for business meetings on Thursday (hence, the business suit). Thursday is the court date. My guardian angel can’t go, so I will be on my own in front of the judge. But I can do it. Thursday evening my brother flies in (ironically, he was in the area on business – yes, we are sneaky). We pack all day Friday. My uncle and I fly back east on Saturday. My brother drives the rental truck to hopefully make it east by Sunday when we move him into the independent living apartment. Whew!

Court was very nerve racking – but my attorney that I found on a whim was AMAZING. We were well prepared. Unfortunately, I have to come back in a month as I was only granted temporary “custody” (like someone is going to willingly take this responsibility from me). Thankfully, because of a WONDERFUL doctor, the judge agreed that my uncle doesn’t have to appear in court. It was deemed that he was too ill to make the trip twice.

Now I had to tell my uncle the news. He took it pretty well. He was kinda excited actually. He called EVERYONE! Packing was hard – we threw bunches of stuff in boxes and threw it on the truck. I will just have to sort it later.

Flight back to SC was good – it was Veteran’s Day. Everyone treated him like a king. He is happier than I had ever seen him.

All is well. Now the adventure can really begin.

Well, I knew it was coming. Kinda like waiting for a shoe to drop. My uncle’s home health care nurse called. He has been falling – a lot. She believes he is getting more and more confused and it isn’t safe for him to live alone. And just an hour or so after she called, the head nurse from the day program he is in called. He has been misbehaving there. Let’s just say he has been doing inappropriate things with his hands. I don’t think he means to, but nevertheless, it is happening. I have to do something and quickly. So I called the attorney. God absolutely knew what he was doing when he hooked the two of us up. I could not survive without him. We decided to pursue something called a legal guardianship. Basically, it is a POA on steroids. It means that my uncle can no longer make decisions for himself. With guardianship in hand, I can move him closer to me and hopefully get out from under the legal crap. I will need to collect lots of documents from doctors. But this is doable. Oh yeah – and I have to pay dear old attorney $2500 more. It’s only money, right? Once all the paperwork is in, we make an appointment with a judge. I will have to go and stand in front of a family judge. Ghosts from the past (aka, my cousin and my hopefully soon-to-be ex-aunt) can come and protest. I have been told I have a good case. Time to put on my big girl panties. Decision made. Let’s go for it.

Things have been busy since Kevin and I returned from Oklahoma. I finally got the chance to go through the bills that I had set aside. There was an envelope about a warranty for a new F-150 truck. What? We don’t have one of those. So I do a quick credit report check. Certainly not. Certainly my uncle didn’t buy a truck. But there it was in black and white. My cousin bought a truck in my uncle’s name. The loan – everything – it all is in my uncle’s name. My cousin stole my uncle’s identity. Now what do I do? Again, I make phone calls. I call the bank. They suggest I put in a police report. Except I am not my uncle. Let’s see how that POA form goes. Thankfully it worked. I was able to (after several phone calls) put in a police report. I put a halt to my uncle’s credit. I am pissed. How could a son do that to his father? Doesn’t he know I need that credit to maybe get him in an assisted living situation pretty soon?

Apparently, where my cousin lives is a pretty small town. My cousin got word I was onto him. Magically, the truck was sold and the loan was paid in full. I guess I am just angry. I am angry that someone would treat their father that way. I am angry that he made one more thing I needed to figure out. But I will not give up. I have not come this far to get defeated by some silly punk that can’t figure out his financial life.

Meanwhile, my uncle is doing well in the outpatient sessions. He seems to be in a rhythm. The psychologist was also able to get my uncle in home health care. She comes twice a week to make sure he is taking his medicines and to check on things for me. We talk often. But I still don’t have an answer as to what is the real root cause of things. I know he is falling. I know he isn’t steady on his feet. And I know that he isn’t eating right. I have been reading that diet is key to managing bi-polar symptoms. But that is hard to do when you are 1400 miles away.

Well, the divorce attorney has quit. And surprise! We have a court date in 4 days. I need an attorney and I need one fast. I said a prayer and I pulled up Google Maps. I found attorneys within 5 miles of the apartment. I found 3. One never returned my call. The two that I did talk to, one was more reasonable in his fees. And he was willing to take my crazy case. Quickly my uncle and my guardian angel headed over to pay the retainer fee and to start paperwork for upcoming court appointment. The appointment with the judge went OK. Basically, continue to make car payment and alimony payments. Work on reconciling property.

God willing, the divorce is hopefully going to happen soon.

 

One brick wall after another. Everywhere I turn, I hit a brick wall. Why is that? Why won’t people help me? Trust me. I have heard EVERY excuse. Your uncle makes too much money. Your uncle isn’t sick enough. Your uncle’s apartment is two blocks outside our delivery zone. Your uncle is at the bottom of a 2 year waiting list. Why can’t folks see that something is not right? Good grief! I never know when someone is going to call me back, so I now carry an orange backpack where ever I go. In this backpack is all the paperwork. I have doctor’s notes, banking notes, credit card statements, VA information, utility information, life insurance, legal stuff – you name it, I have it. It is all in TWO 3 inch binders. And it is HEAVY. But it travels with me everywhere. And I use it all the time.

I have several challenges right now. Challenge #1: I need to get him to eat. That means I need a way to get him food. He isn’t driving (despite having the NEW car). This should be easy, right? You would be wrong. Meals on Wheels. That is the 2 year waiting list and he technically is 2 blocks outside the delivery zone. My guardian angel has been taking him groceries and making sure he has food. And I think neighbors are checking in on him.

Challenge #2: I have got to figure out what is wrong with him. I feel that there is more going on here than folks have figured out. The primary doctor is being as helpful as he can, but I think he is confused. The physiologist is amazing and I am super glad to have her. She got him into an outpatient program catered to older adults that have mental health issues. Many have bi-polar like he does; several have had a hiccup due to the loss of a spouse or loved one. All need help picking up pieces and learning how to cope again. Bonus for this program: they pick him up AND they feed him breakfast and lunch. He goes 3 days a week. Oh – and insurance pays for it! YES!

And finally, challenge #3: the divorce that was supposed to be a quick one is still dragging on. Oh – and Fred is BLEEDING money.

Oh, Lord, Grant to me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen

My husband must think I am nuts. I think I need to travel out west to actually SEE my uncle. And I think we need to do it over the July 4th long weekend. Just the 2 of us. 1400 miles one way. We can do it. The plan is to leave Friday afternoon and drive as far as we can. Bonus if we make it to Memphis area as that is about the halfway point. Drive the rest of the way on Saturday and arrive at my uncle’s apartment late afternoon. We can access the storage unit situation and get it cleaned out. I can make sure my uncle has everything he needs grocery wise and fingers crossed we can do a round of doctors appointments on Monday before starting to head back east to return home on Tuesday. Easy, right? 2800 miles in 4 days. Cake walk, right? Needless to say, my husband wasn’t too thrilled at the idea. But he made me a deal. It all centered around the doctor’s appointments. If I could indeed get last minute appointments with at least TWO doctors he would be all in. Clearly, he had no faith in my begging. Doctors’s appointments made. And to make things even better – I was able to take him to his monthly probation appointment and I made an appointment for the divorce attorney. We left for our big road trip that Friday.

My uncle was VERY surprised to see us. His apartment was very bare. He had his chair, his TV (a rather big one) and a bed on the floor. We had our work set out for us. Step one: clean and set up apartment. Done.

Storage unit – now that was going to be a trick. I had to get it 100% cleaned out as we can’t afford the rent anymore. I rented a truck for us to use to help get items to my uncle’s apartment and if needed Goodwill. The trouble is – I needed muscle. Where was I going to find that?

Dear God, Thank you so much for your blessings in helping me get my uncle started in his new life. If it is your will, please lead me to some individuals that can help make my dream happen. Help me get my uncle back on his feet again. I cannot do this alone.

That Sunday, my husband and I went to church (remember an old friend of ours is a priest out there). It is a small church so my husband and I stuck out like a sore thumb. In our conversations as to “what brought you to our neck of the woods,” a Boy Scout leader came up to us. Turns out the troop was in need of items that my uncle had in the storage unit. And it turns out they had a truck. Two trucks actually. And boys. With muscle. Prayer answered. At the storage unit I also got to meet my guardian angel and his family. They were such a blessing!

In a span of about 3 hours, I was able to go through the storage unit, determine what I needed to take to my uncle’s apartment, what would be donated and what the Boy Scout troop could use. I was exhausted and I cried a lot. How can you take a man’s life and water it down to this? No time for tears now. Must keep moving. Step Two: Clean out storage unit. Done.

Monday was time for doctors and attorneys. The probation officer appointment was good, but really weird. It is going to take me a while to get used to that. I was pleased to meet the attorney. He was equally as nice in person as he was on the phone. I think we are going to have a wonderful relationship. And even the two doctors went well. My uncle has lost some weight, but we are going to say it is part of the “bachelor look.” My husband went to the grocery store and got easy things for my uncle to cook. Step Three: doctors and food. Done.

Our mission was accomplished. I was feeling good about everything we had done. It only happened by the grace of God and the help of lots of people. So, alas it was time to head back east. Exhausted and full of tears we got in the car and headed back home.

This blog is a bit of therapy for me. It is serving as a bit of an escape for me. See – the past 2 years have been a bit of a blur to me. I had to do do a lot of “packing” over the past 2 years both literally and figuratively. It is now time to start unpacking some of my emotions. In order to help me do that, I started writing this blog. I don’t think anyone is actually reading it – and that is OK. I am just getting things off my mind.

If you haven’t figured it out – my uncle died. He was far too young. Parkinson’s Disease is no joke. As a caregiver, I didn’t have time to have a breakdown. I simply moved from one crisis to back to work to back to being a mom to back to the next crisis. I kept promising myself that once the next milestone happened, I would have my breakdown. Once I get my uncle out of jail…once I get him into an apartment…once I get him moved to assisted living…once we get out of the hospital…once I move him into skilled care…once the funeral is over. It all happened at the blink of an eye. And yet, I never was able to stop and acknowledge how this whole thing was affecting ME. I never let myself have an emotional release. Actually, I am not sure I have allowed myself to have an emotional release. But I can tell you this – I miss him something terribly. I miss him most when I am driving. See, he was my driving companion. We would talk on the phone nonstop whenever I was driving back home late in the evenings. The hour timezone difference made it so it wasn’t quite so late for him and he made it so I would stay awake. And right now I am missing that something terrible. Yes, I am thankful for the fact that he isn’t suffering anymore, but now, I am alone. I am alone with a mountain of paperwork. I am alone with memories.

So, bear with me as I continue to blog how I got to this point.

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.

Aeschylus

The test results from the psychological evaluation are in. Remember when I said there were 4 days of testing? If he “passed” a test, he would move onto the next level. The further you go, the worse the news is. Let’s just say, we made it to Level 4. In the end, the doctor said that there were clear problems in several cognitive areas. It did not clearly show the presence of dementia, but did show marginal memory loss. The report started something pretty scary – There is impairment in a variety of cognitive areas. Disorders associated with frontotemporal dysfunction needs to be considered. Most likely he will need considerable followup care and ongoing evaluation.

What does THAT mean?

All the doctor could say was that in six months my life would be different. We have an appointment with his normal psychologist next week. Maybe she can help clear up this VERY muddy water.

On a good note, he is back to speaking with me. And he now has power at his apartment. A friend from the service helped get some of his stuff from storage to the apartment. But there is still a LOT of stuff in the storage unit.

My uncle is in a manic state – big time. He is spending money like it is growing on trees. And he won’t answer my phone calls. I would give up, but I can’t do that to my guardian angel. My guardian angel has been getting Fred to doctor appointments, to the VA and to court appointments. Yup – that is still going on. Each month we go in and wait – and they come back and say thank you now come back next month. This month at court was pretty interesting. Turns out that if you don’t get a chance to enter in a plea after a certain number of months, you have to start the whole process all over again. Except no one tells you that. There was a warrant out for Fred’s arrest! And I only figured this out because I randomly pulled up his record on the court website! A simple license check could have had him arrested! So, we had to post bail (again), get processed through the jail (again) and stand in front of the judge (again). To say I was stressed and angry is an understatement. What do people do that don’t have a support system? They get screwed. But I can’t worry about them right now.

Fred moved into his new one bedroom apartment. I had to co-sign the lease for him. I hate that he signed a 9 month lease. That sounds like an eternity. I wanted him to look around for a shorter lease, but he wouldn’t do it. He insisted on THIS apartment. I asked the leasing agent what happened if he got sick and had to leave. They responded that there was no way to get out of the lease; he would have to pay until it expired in December. A bit ridiculous if you ask me, but I will just have to cross that bridge if needed. Unfortunately, in his manic state, he thinks he can move on his own. All these “friends” that he had with the American Legion, the VFW and the 40/8 – they have disappeared. The apartment was a little more expensive than I had wanted, so now his budget is really tight. So more stress for me.

Oh – and apparently today when he was leaving my guardian angel’s house, he asked his 7 year old son how much he wanted for all his toys. This is AFTER my uncle took all the toys and piled them on the bed. Turns out my uncle wanted to give them to the children in the apartment complex. That just isn’t cool at all.

So now my uncle is in his apartment. He is sitting and sleeping on the floor. All his stuff is in the really expensive storage unit. He can’t figure out how to get power turned on nor the TV. He isn’t acting normal. He isn’t listening to reason. I don’t think this is going to end well.

I am drowning.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

Deuteronomy 31:8 (ESV)

My husband is concerned. My parents are concerned. My kids are concerned. This newly found responsibility that is 900+ miles away is overtaking my life. I went to my family doctor. I walked away with blood pressure medicine. I kinda figured that was coming. And then I decided to use my employer’s mental health services. I started going to a counselor. I am not sure it will help, but it does give a non-involved party for me to talk to. She suggested I get involved with the local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) chapter. There is a meeting for family members the first Tuesday of every month at a local church. Holy cow! These people are amazing! What a benefit! And is is FREE! I think I will start going more often. There is a “patient” support group as well. I think I am going to try to get my uncle to go to one out near him. I will just have to figure out the transportation part. But maybe there is hope.

https://www.nami.org/