After many voice mails and lots of being on hold, I think I finally have doctors listening to me – sort of. We have a psychiatrist. I really like her. She referred us to have a neuro-psychological test completed by a separate doctor. I like him to. Both doctors have been beyond amazing to want to talk to me on the phone. Granted, when they call, I have to drop everything and answer. Very thankful for a flexible job where I can do that. The neuro doctor is going to give my uncle a series of tests. The further we go with the testing, the worse off things are. Test #1 is next week; my guardian angel is going to take him. Have I mentioned that I adore him?

The other good thing is that we have been given the initial diagnosis of bi-polar disorder. According to the NAMI website, “Bipolar disorder is a mental illness that causes dramatic shifts in a person’s mood, energy and ability to think clearly. People with bipolar experience high and low moods—known as mania and depression—which differ from the typical ups-and-downs most people experience.” This is no joke. This is clearly what is going on. Now we just have to get his medicine regulated. Apparently this is easier said than done.

My uncle is still living with my guardian angel. Bless them. We are starting to look for an apartment. This week was the court appointed time when my uncle could go over and get his stuff from the house. My uncle rented a storage unit. Like everything else, this did not go well. I think my uncle was in a manic state. At first, my guardian angel showed up at the house and couldn’t find my uncle anywhere. He was MIA for about 2 hours. This does not bode well when you have volunteers doing the moving and they are just standing there. Then when my uncle finally showed up, there was yelling. My aunt threw things at him. And then the police were called. They asked my uncle to go down the street and stay at a neighbors until they were done loading his stuff in the truck. Ug! Tell me why I am involved in this again?

I knew the trip to my cousin’s house wasn’t going to go well. They kicked him out! And they didn’t even drive him to the airport! He had to get a cab! And they didn’t even help get him a plane ticket. I had to get him the ticket. I am so angry! My uncle has paid for so much stuff for them! He bought a bedroom suite for the guest bedroom thinking that he was going to move there. And then they kick him out? I am not sure – but I even think my cousin’s wife called the police at some point. She claimed that my uncle was out of control and attempted to hit her daughter. I am sure that would go over well with my uncle’s probation officer. My uncle bought LOTS for Christmas for them. He bought groceries. He took them out to eat. And the kicker of everything – he signed the car loan for my cousin’s stepdaughter (yes, the same one they claimed he attempted to hit). What 18 year old needs a $36,000 car? Holy cow! Did I mention I am SO ANGRY?

Now my uncle is back home – only he doesn’t have a home. Currently he is staying with a family friend (my guardian angel), but that can’t last more than the next week or two. Fred doesn’t see this as a problem. I wanted him to move back east with me, to a retirement center. But with his spending, he can’t afford it. I am afraid for him to live alone – that is if he will even let me look for him a place.

My uncle appeared in front of the family judge this week. He officially filed for separation. And, of course, my aunt counter filed for separation. There is $1000 a month in alimony and then $500 a month for her car payment. I have no idea where my uncle is going to get all this money.

Oh – and how can I forget this little tidbit information? Without consulting anyone, he purchased a new car last week. In my opinion, he doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand what that means. He does NOT have it in his budget to pay the car payment.

Oh – yes – today he also appeared in front of the criminal judge. Same postponement. This is getting old.

Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.
Proverbs 14:29

I told them she would come home from rehab. I told my cousins to get him out of there quickly. I told them that if they weren’t, things would go bad and go bad quickly. And yup – I was right. There was yelling. Lots of yelling. There wasn’t a calm voice anywhere. I was worried the police would get called – and if they were, but uncle would go back to jail as a violation of his bail agreement. They finally got out of there but it wasn’t early enough so they had to stay in a hotel. I am thankful that someone had the money to pay for the hotel. Trust me – that was a conversation that we had. Someone had the nerve to ask ME to cover the hotel expense.

My uncle is on his way to my cousin’s house that is 500 miles or so away. Prayers needed for a calm holiday season. My “spidey sense” thinks that this isn’t going to go well.

Six more days until Christmas.

We finally went to a doctor. Apparently my uncle has had bi-polar disease for over 20 years and never told me about it. He never saw the need to be consistent in taking his medicine – nor did my aunt think it was needed. So, now he is being treated for an un-diagnosed bi-polar disorder along with a mild cognitive disorder. His doctors are concerned about his WAY too low depakote levels (note to self – figure out what that means and why I care). One doctor is currently in the process of running tests for various cognitive disorders and believes that because the bi-polar went untreated for so long, it is a high possibility that he will develop dementia. Dementia runs in the family. My grandmother (my uncle’s mom) was diagnosed with a severe form of dementia at age 69. She was able to live at home or with my parent’s for a few years until she moved into a skilled nursing facility. She died at age 74 in December 1991. My uncle does not see it, but he is acting just like she did. My mom and dad say it is eerily the same way. Once the dementia got started, it went quickly. So at least we have some answers – I don’t like them, but they are answers. Things are so slow moving – I want an answer and I need a fix NOW>

I think I have just been thrown in the fire. My uncle has a really bad temper when he does not get his way (think toddler tantrum). I believe this is why he had the altercation with his mother-in-law. He has had several other cases since then where he has reached out to someone. He claims it is an accident once it happens or that it wasn’t his fault. He has ZERO financial responsibility. He does NOT understand why he can’t bounce checks or have a negative balance in his account. He thinks he can go out and spend, spend, spend. He currently has a -$800 balance in his checking account, but last night he went out and purchased a mountain bike from WalMart because he thinks he can ride a bike 30+ miles a day. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall a lot of the time.

As a side note, my uncle had another court appearance for the month. Another postponement. Maybe in January things will be better. They tell me that this is normally how they happen.

Oh – and my cousin. I could just choke him. He convinced my uncle (who clearly isn’t stable) to take on car payments for a $53,000 car – to the tune of $775 each month. He also has paid lots for his daughter in law’s car payments and some of their utility payments.

My aunt is going to come back soon from rehab. This is going to pose a challenge. How am I going to find a place for Fred to move to? Because of the extra money going to my cousin and the new loan payments, he is unable to afford a place to live.

Christmas is around the corner. I think my uncle is going to go visit my cousin for the holidays. Maybe my cousin will see up close what is going on with my uncle. Maybe he will be OK with my uncle moving closer to him. That would be the best solution possible. Yes, there is the money thing – but maybe my cousin will come through with his promise that he will pay my uncle back. I have to figure out where my uncle is going to live.

Positive thinking.

But I have to start thinking about me. My doctor just put me on high blood pressure medicine. And my poor children and husband. I spend all my time dealing with uncle issues. Is this all worth it? But if I don’t do it, who will? I have screamed for help, but no one is listening.

My uncle visited here for Thanksgiving. To say it was an experience is an understatement. Something is not right. Why can’t doctors see this? Why can’t I get in a doctor to LISTEN to me?

He talks a mile a minute; he never slows down. He went to church and talked the whole time. He knows better than this. Last week he was driving; he was so lost police pulled him over and had to drive him to a place where Fred knew where he was. He really should NOT be driving because he doesn’t have the dexterity to stay on the road. When I was in visiting him in October, I followed him home one night. He swerved in front of LOTS of traffic! Come to find out, he has been falling – a lot. Like he now has a cast on one of his arms from a fall. Turns out that he has been falling without an explanation for the past several years – yet no one thought that was a big deal. During a recent doctor visit, they asked he not drive. So he WALKED to the doctor. I think this would have been 5+ miles. He fell in the road and had a stranger pick him up. He didn’t make it on time to the doctor (he says because of the Veteran’s parade was blocking the streets). Once he got to the doctor, he had no way home. They called him a cab. This just CANNOT be normal. And yet I have called and there are NO services to help him. The VA will only transport to a VA doctor – which has a LONG waiting list – if there is one at all. Can you say roadblock?

Back to the Thanksgiving visit. My uncle doesn’t sleep at all. I don’t think his mind knows how to rest. He has a CPAP machine, but I don’t think that is the problem. He simply cannot relax his body. We all noticed that he has NO short term memory. He never could remember my son’s name despite being told over and over again. However, he knew that I had my grandmother’s (his mom’s) Christmas ornaments. He is beyond messy and gets ANGRY if you throw anything away. He left hats and clothes on top of lamps that were on – that could have caused a fire! He shows no reasoning skills when asked to do a simple task. I am not sure he would remember to eat and I am not sure he remembers to take his medicines. Oh – and money – he has zero idea how to manage it. He has overdrawn from checking and has maxed out credit cards. They have only been open a month! For Fred’s return trip home, he didn’t get in the prepaid car service I arranged for him. He called a taxi – and then had to call me at 3AM to pay for the cab being that he had no money and maxed out credit cards! To say I am stressed is an understatement.

But there are glimpses of good things. He smiled and I could tell that he was very appreciative. He really enjoyed being with family. And perhaps that is all that matters.

Lord grant me patience.

Clearly my cousin has lost his mind. I get that he is 500 miles away from his dad. But it is HIS dad. I promise I am not trying to step on his toes, but things are not right. My uncle is not behaving correctly. his son needs to step up to the plate and figure out what is going on. I am just a niece – I have zero power. My cousin blames his job and no money for gas to get there. In my mind, that is not an excuse. You need to be there for your dad. So who does my uncle depend on? Yup. Me. I am 900 miles away.

I am still calling doctors – lots of them. And to keep me on my toes – the VA too. Turns out that if you want to keep getting VA benefits, you have to see the VA doctor once a year. Who knew? Let me add figuring out how to get a VA doctor appointment on my list. And now my uncle is telling (OK yelling at) me that he is deserved 100% disability. How am I supposed to figure that out?

The D word was mentioned today. Divorce. I think he wants to be done with her. We have started to look for an attorney.

Criminal court again this month. Same roll call. Same postponement to next month. I wonder why we paid the criminal attorney so much? He has done nothing.

Good news – my uncle is coming east for Thanksgiving. He hasn’t seen my dad in several years. It will be good to have everyone together. But I had to make all the flight arrangements. And I had to figure out how to get him to the airport via a shuttle. And I had to pay for them. I hope he pays me back. Wait a minute – do you think he can pack a suitcase?

Something is not quite right with my uncle. Yet I cannot put my finger on it. My cousins have cleaned his house and made sure that he has food in the house. But I don’t think he is eating. He does go out often with friends to a burger joint. That not only is expensive, but is also probably not good for him. I can see where my aunt was frustrated. My uncle loves to spend money. But I am not sure what he is spending it on. He is lonely. That worries me. I think he is falling again. I have called his doctors – they are being less than helpful. My hope right now is that he starts taking the correct medicines. Maybe that is the issue. Talking to Fred is like talking to a 4 year old; he gets confused easily. Did I mention I am worrying?

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

Proverbs 12:25

Fred went to court this week. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be dealing with a criminal court. It certainly is a new world. Thank goodness for my guardian angel. I would be lost without him. As Fred’s attorney explained, court this week was uneventful. It basically was a role call. Case put off for another month.

Things are also weird with my aunt. Fred hasn’t been to see her – at all. He doesn’t want to. Perhaps she doesn’t want to see him either. They moved out the mother in law. The folks that moved her out I think took some items of my uncle’s. I told my uncle not to worry – it was just stuff.

I think we are still at that crossroads. I kinda feel like there is a truck getting ready to run us over.

I got back from Oklahoma on Tuesday afternoon. Being the mom of 2 kids, this is prime time activity season. I came back and hit the ground running. No rest for the weary. Sunday evening as I was getting my kids ready for the next week at school, the phone rang. It was my aunt’s brother. My uncle was just arrested. They said that he was on a rage (better known as a bi-polar manic state) and he attempted to hit his mother-in-law. And he was yelling. Loudly. She hit the panic button on the Life Alert necklace. The police came and took him to jail. This is not what I needed to hear. Now what do I do? He is 900+ miles away from me. This is clearly territory I have never ventured across. Being that it was late on Sunday night, no one was answering the phone at the police station. My dad and I resigned ourselves to wait until Monday morning.

O God, who has so faithfully cared for me in the past, and so often seen me through to safety: Grant me that in moments of depression, desolation, failure and despair,
I may look back in gratitude. . . .

Monday morning I began making lots and lots of phone calls. No one would give answers. A good friend in Oklahoma is a priest. She had visited my aunt and uncle several times over the past few weeks. Even she was making phone calls. Prayer was the only thing I could do. I asked God to give me guidance as to what to do. I asked for Him to point me in the right direction. Later that afternoon, I got a phone call from another priest in the area. She knew a defense attorney that was willing to take the case. And most importantly – he knew a bail bondsman willing to take out of state signatures. It wasn’t cheap, but my dad made it happen. We had to get my uncle out of jail. As with the legal system, however, nothing is fast.

More phone calls. Now I have to figure out how to get him home from jail. My aunt is still in rehab. Her brother is clearly not in a helpful mood. All the friends I knew of disappeared. All but one – and we shall call him my guardian angel.

And of course, while he was in jail, we can’t communicate with him. I need to figure out how to get a phone number to him. I had to figure out how to get his bi-polar medicines to him. Deep breaths. More prayer. All of a sudden, I decided to call my uncle’s church. I have no idea what made me do that. At the same time I called his church, a retired prison chaplain walked in the church door. He gave me a number to have my friend the priest to call. They were able to give my uncle the phone number for him to use when he was let out of jail. After 6 days of being in jail, they released him at 3:00 in the morning. Yup. 3 AM. My uncle called my guardian angel at 3 AM. And then they called me. I can’t tell you how relieved I was.

But this was the beginning of the legal battles. My aunt is not happy my uncle is out of jail. In fact, she really yelled at me, “Why did you LET him get out of jail? He needed to STAY in there.”

Clearly, there is a bit more anger between my aunt and uncle than I realized. My uncle and my guardian angel went to the bank and withdrew half of what was in savings and half of what was in checking. He opened up his own banking accounts. My uncle is mad. And there is no going back.

So now my uncle is back at home. My cousin (his son) came for the weekend to make sure everything was OK. But now he is home by himself trying to figure out the future. We are at a crossroads.

Just about two years ago this month, my dad got a phone call from his brother in another state. There had been an accident. Two weeks prior he and my aunt got in an argument. My uncle wanting to move the car in the driveway accidentally put the car in drive instead of reverse. My aunt was caught between the house and the car. She was OK, but had undergone several surgeries. The recovery was going to be long and hard. My uncle was distraught. He didn’t know what to do.

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Everyone has that one relative (outside their parents) that they tend to lean on. For some it is a cousin, maybe a sibling, or a distant relative. in my case, it was my fun, loving and carefree uncle. We never lived close to each other. Actually, we never saw each other much. He was in the military for most of my childhood and traveled often. It was well before the age of cell phones or free long distance calling, so we didn’t even talk on the phone often. As a child, I probably wrote him letters and I am sure he sent the yearly birthday card. Maybe that is what made it special. The short time we had together, we had to make it special. When I graduated from high school, my parents had a great idea. They sent me to the middle of the country to spend time with my fun uncle. It was my first plane flight and I was super excited. (Looking back on this trip I think it was my parent’s way of convincing me to NOT go to senior week at the beach.) Two weeks with this guy I didn’t know much about. And they had a pool. Those two weeks were magical. I had a new sense of freedom being away from my parent’s watchful eye. I learned how to play pool. I learned darts. We traveled around and saw lots of interested, new sites. It was a great week. While I was in college, we would talk a lot on the phone. Many times it was after midnight from my dorm room closet. We talked about boyfriends, classes, football – whatever. He was my buddy.

We would see each other a few times while I was in college. He was there when I graduated with my engineering degree and completely supported me in my efforts as I started graduate school. After graduate school, he was so excited to be by my side watching as I got married. Except for things were different now. He wasn’t himself. It turns out he was diagnosed with bi-polar disease. And he didn’t like to take his medicine. With the excitement of wedding activities, it didn’t end well. He traveled back to his home state without seeing me walk down the aisle.

Our relationship took a while to heal after that. Like everything does over time, we were able to heal. Our relationship did change. I was now an adult. But I still loved calling him and talking sports. He still was my rock.

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My aunt and my uncle don’t have any children together. I had some time that I could go out and help make sure they were settled after my aunt got out of the hospital. I arranged for a wonderful rehab facility. While I was out there, things were not adding up. My uncle was once again not himself. And my aunt was very angry. She told me she wanted a divorce. She couldn’t handle the bi-polar disease anymore. She couldn’t handle the excessive spending. I could tell that my uncle’s medicines were not right. I was able to get him to his primary care physician. In the short 72 hours I was there, I was able to start getting him on the right path. My aunt was all settled in rehab. I arranged for weekly calls with her doctors. I planned on traveling back in about 6 weeks.

Thanks for joining me! I am a working professional in my mid-40’s finding myself as the primary caregiver of a family member. It certainly was not something I went looking for; I believe God knew that this person needed help and that I was the right person for the job. It has certainly been full of ups and down and I have hit lots of roadblocks. It is my hope that by sharing some of my experiences I will be able to help others.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton